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Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has
never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family
does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child,
Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of
his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his
urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as
Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much
wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN
THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his
hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years
and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his
rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts
ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

8. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat
cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a
day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought
baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly
to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat
Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it
honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck
Norris.”

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with
his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
“Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying “booya”.

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and
proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just
because he’s Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his
strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure
as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself,
“That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”,
then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever
that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is
working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
having sex with Conan’s wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells
like you and I. His have a small black ring around
them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
the shit out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never
gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner
karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the
shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after
they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is “his” way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century
was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when
she didn’t give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
and Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to
drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more “humane”.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If
you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds
away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter
books for children who just bought one for the hell of
it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says,
“I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.

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