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Just watch the flames and laugh…

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
Is that some sort of freaky sex act performed while stoned?

2) If you were drafted into a war, would you serve?
Are you believing the morning papers?
War is coming back in style
There’s generals here, advisors there
And TERRORISTS nibbling everywhere
The chessboard’s filling up with red
We make more profits when we blow off their heads
Economy is looking bad
Let’s start another war when ya get drafted
Fan the fires of racist hatred
We want total war when ya get drafted

3) Do you sleep with the tv on?
I fall asleep with the tv on constantly. Then it wakes me up a few hours later so I turn it off.

4) Have you ever wheezed the juice?
Fuck you! FUCK YOU!!! Pauly Shore is best forgotten…

5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?
No thank you. The ceremonial “releasing of the bees” beforehand never sat right with me.

6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?
Several times. Once when I was about 10 I was out walking in the grass barefoot. A bee somehow stung me right BETWEEN THE TOES!!! Took me about 10 minutes to find the stinger and pull it out too… Ouch!

7) How fast can you type?
The internet has only made me dumberer and dumberer…

8) What color are your socks?
Fleshtoned… (I’m barefoot!)

9) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
Since I haven’t been to a drive-in since I was about 8…. No. I do remember seeing Cheech and Chong there when I was about 3. HAH!

10) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
That would be when I still worked at the toxic waste dump.

11) Do you knock on wood?
Does my head count? (no I’m not gonna do a penis joke)

12) Do you floss daily?
Every time I brush.

13) Do you wanna Fanta?

14) Can you hula hoop?
Like Elvis with Parkinson’s.

15) Are you good at keeping secrets?
I’m the best!

16) What do you want for Christmas?
A couple of hot women and a hotel room.

17) Do you know the Muffin Man?
I always got lost trying to find Drury Lane.

18) Who wrote the book of love?
I’d imagine it’s by one of the Nolte brothers.

19) Have you ever flown a kite?
Yes… Did you just loose all respect for me?!

20) Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
I’m a dude!

21) Do you whiten your teeth?
Does toothpaste count?

22) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
Another bad movie??

23) Have you ever asked for a pony?
I refer you back to question 20.

24) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs?
I “donate” sperm almost always daily.

25) Can you juggle?

26) If you could enact any new law, what would it be?
Only the best law ever… I would make white-trash illegal!

27) Do the chickens have large talons?
That smells like the voodoo that you do.

28) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
This question is so sad…

29) Are you ready to rumble?
I’m ready to mumble.

30) Can you count to Schfifty-Five?

31) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
hah…more than once. I just up and quit going for about the last 6 months of my (first) 11th grade year.

32) How do you spell relief?

33) Have you ever crawled through a window?
Dozens of times I’m sure. Not always in a house either. Or even where I was invited.

34) Have you ever eaten dog food?
I’ve eaten food not fit for a dog. Does that count?

35) Can you handle the truth?
I am the truth.

36) Do you like green eggs and ham?
I sometimes like Samiam.
But what about green eggs and jam?
I don’t think I’ve heard the Jam.
Some people might call them…glam.
But I know who I am.
Now I’m hungry for some ham.
But I don’t want to hear Samiam.
Because I know who I am.
Maybe that Urinals song called Hologram.
Right now I don’t even feel I’m a man…

37) Who is your daddy and what does he do?
He’s a junkie with an ever expanding waistband.

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