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Imaginary War

Are chores for bores?
No…surveys are for bores!

Can you hold your own in a fight?
“I’d start swinging instead of holding my junk.”

Is Tarantino a cinematic genius or a crude, derivative schlockmeister?
Dude is kind of creepy! But he’s done some good movies… Why didn’t I say something clever?!

Did your parents never allow friends round after school?
Friends?? SCHOOL?!? HAHAHAHA!!!!! Actually my mom was so stupid that when I would come home in the middle of the day and say “we’re just taking a break” she didn’t know we were SKIPPING!

Do you consider yourself the epitome of cool?
You fucking wish you were me.

Should breaking wind in public be a criminal offence?
No…only trying to pick up your teeth with broken fingers.

Do you always wash your cup after using it?
Totally! I wouldn’t want to catch any of my own germs. YUCK!!!

Does the fact that the world will be engulfed by the Sun in around 4 billion years bother you?
I do plan on living forever… Aren’t you?!?

Do you belong to Mensa?
I’ve never even been to the southern hemisphere. Get it? GET IT?!

Am I the only one who screws up burning CDs?
You’re in Mensa but you can’t even burn a fucking cd???

If you had to, would you fuck Elvis?
Would I!!! Just not the bloated Vegas years…

Do you find completing surveys fulfilling?
How sad would I be if I needed myspace surveys for fulfillment in my life???


Can you iron worth a rats ass?
Nothing quite like the smell of rat’s ass on my freshly ironed undies.

Are people forbidden to wear shoes in your home?
Nope. Just clothes.

Do you know how many CDs are in your collection?
Pretty much. I am a little obsessive/compulsive after all!

Is your music collection alphabetised?
Abso-fucking-lutely! How could I find anything otherwise??? My mp3s are even seperated out by country. You may bow down to my music-geek-status (complete lack of a life) now…

Do you know your RAM from your ROM?
I know how to operate a light switch too. I’m specccccccial!

Can you change a plug without the result blacking out half the neighborhood?
I was one of those toddlers that thought sticking shit in the outlet was a good idea. Yes, I remember doing it. No, it was not fun! So if a toddler can operate an outlet (somewhat) properly… You’re in Mensa??????

Do you vacuum every day?
Is that…some sort of drug reference?

Do you have a `must watch TV program that youd kill for rather than miss?
Who do I have to kill? I get mighty pissed when I miss Conan!

Have you ever installed Windows without having a mental breakdown?
heh…does it count if the mental breakdown preceded?

Do you own more than ten books?
*ahem* Two words… Star Trek Geek.

Can you cook without the risk of making people barf?
My parents didn’t teach me how to cook so…yes!

You turn up to a party and someones wearing the same outfit as you: do you die, kill them or leave?
First off…I’m a dude. I don’t wear “outfits”! Secondly…I’m not emo. I could give a fuck!

Have you ever puked in someone elses home?
hahaha…all over the toilet, floor, into the vent… Hell, I might have got some on the CEILING too! Pipe tobacco, weed, beer, cigarettes, and peppermint schnapps don’t mix well with 15 year olds!

Do you know the formula for solving a quadratic equation?
…yet you can’t even burn a cd or plug in a lamp without blacking out the entire neighborhood.

Have you seen Jerry Springer The Musical?
Nope…only Lord Of The Rings the Musical. My favorite part is when Golem comes out, strips, and runs around NAKED at the end!

Does the Euclidean algorithm for computing the greatest common divisor of two integers mean anything to you?
Nope but you’re a gassy germophobe that wants to do unholy things to Elvis’ corpse.

Have you been fired from a job for persistent tardy, or non, attendance?
Only for attempted murde……………. uh, NO!

Did you ever win a prize at school?
Yeah I won all kinds of worthless junk in elementary school. Who cares?

Do you carry spare nylons with you in case you or a friend get a run?
Only if we’re ON the run! You’ve seen those fuzzy 7-11 surveilance videos…

If the severed heads of everyone who uses Linux were lined up end to end would you even care?
Maybe if you piled them all up in the shape of a penguin?

Can you spell defenestration?
I…can’t…READ!!! But I can fucking spell. Is that backwards?

Do you know what it means?
It’s a method of execution that has a sudden stop at the end. ie: throwing someone out a window. I miss Dark Angel…

Is Bono God?
Dude…you got some creepy celebrity crushes.

Have you ever displayed your genitals in public?

Do you pretend to become slightly orgasmic at the thought of vampire lust?
Only barbed-wire love.

Can you tell me which song thats from?
Look it up yourself you pretensious Mensa know-it-all!

Have you read The Lord Of The Rings?
Just the Musical. Pay attention!

Do you quote verses from The Bible to passers-by in the street?
No I quote versus from They Live!
“This world may have blinded me, but the Lord has let me SEE!”
“You, you’re okay. This one…real fuckin’ ugly!”
“The world needs a wakeup call. We’re gonna phone it in.”
etc, etc, etc.

Can you juggle?

Do you think bouncy castles are fun?

Are the majority of your clothes designer dry clean only?
The majority of my clothes are full of holes.

Have you ever glued your fingers together on purpose?
Superglue is FUN!!! Even more fun when you’re out of nail polish remover… *RIP!*

Do you like mueseli?
You spelled Mussolini wrong, dickwad.

Is batique cool?
Can’t spell barbeque either?!?

Do you smoke French cigarettes?
You smoke French cocks. They call them “fags” in europe.

Do you visit the hairdresser more than once a month?
Interesting question… Depends on how schizophrenic I am at the moment. Seeing as I cut my own hair.

Is your feng shui good?
“And for the corner I have this soothing fountain that only costs an extra $500…”
*plugs fountain in and sounds like diesel engine*

Have you ever been threatened with being committed to an asylum?

Where do you feel more at home: the burbs or the ghetto?
Ohhhhhhh…I get it! Another Elvis reference!

Ever made excuses to skip gym class?
Excuses? Who needs excuses?!? After you’ve cried from having to wear those horrible short-shorts for long enough people tend to cut you a wide berth.

Did you instead have to sit it out, watch the others in your stockinged feet and be made to feel like a dweeb?
No…feeling like a dweeb would SUCK! I was just a crier.

Have you ever denied a MySpace friend request on a random whim of spite?
Is that why you’re so bitter? No one wants to be your friend?

Was Jello Biafra right on in his mayoral campaign with his policy of business people having to dress like clowns during working hours?
*gasp* Best question EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is Michael Moore the voice of a nation or a fat slob?
More of a fat slob that’s the voice of reason to people with sensibilities.

Do you summer in The Hamptons?
Started on a summer sunday… Pink dress on the setting sun. We were going to grandma’s hou… Wait. WHAT?!? Who said that?

Have you got sexually aroused while reading American Psycho?
More like a sudden urge to gouge my eyes out and attempt to vomit into the vacant ocular sockets.

Do you wish you were Marilyn Manson?
God DAMN I’d hate to see the “special box” you’ve got tucked under your bed!!! You want to have gay sex with Manson, Bono, and the corpse of Elvis all at once. FREAK!!!!!!!!!

Can you quote Pi to more than three decimal places?
3.14159 off the top of my head.

Do you like pie?
Sugar is sugar is sugar.

Whats the worst insult you can think of?
“Are you in Mensa?” OH!

Did you have a lazy eye as a child and have to wear a patch occasionally?
No but I had a lazy testical… What?

Do you have imaginary friends?
Are they still technically “imaginary” if you can hear them?

Do you prefer them to your real ones?
HAH! Me?! With REAL friends?!?!?

Are spiders webs indoors: trendy pseudo goth chic, a disgrace, or a neat way of keeping the flies down?
More of a sign of laziness. But who cares about dusting the fucking corners?

Have you have ECT?
Am I pregnant?

Do you believe awesomest is a proper word?
Proper FUNNY in the right context!

Have you ever frequently wished you were dead?
If wishes were horses then everyone would get a ride.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
Depends on how many pairs of shoes he goes through first.

Do you think digital watches are a pretty neat idea?
Yeah they’re so 20th century.

Have you ever spelled out words on your calculator?
Was I ever in Jr. High?

Are Beavis and Butt-head your role models?
Nope… Patrick Stewart is the only person that can claim that distinction!

Does the 30th anniversary edition of Night Of The Living Dead blow chunks?
I’ll take Evil Dead anyday.

Do you like your (wo)men like you do your coffee?
Non-existant? NO!

Have you ever discussed Chekov at a dinner party?
Why certainly! I invite all my pale, overweight, sexually ambiguous Star Trek friends over JUST to do that!!!

Did you think I meant the dude from Star Trek?
No…you twat. But I’m surprised you didn’t ask about Sulu since he’s the gay one.

Have you ever held your breath until you turned blue?
Broken hearts are blue, it’s not just me and you…

Would you insist on a change of sheets if someone else had slept in your bed?
If it’s a stinkin’ hippy, masturbating bear type…yes!

Do you make your bed with hospital corners?
I haven’t made my bed in about a decade!

Should Eric Clapton die NOW?
That’s about the first smart thing you’ve said Mr. Mensa ponce.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep at night over unfulfilled dreams?
It’s refered to as the “daily nightly”.

Is an ‘ohm’ to you something that meditating dudes chant?

Do you suffer from an OCD?
Can you really call it “suffering” when it’s so much FUNNN???

Do you wish you had a complete set of Star Wars action figures?
Oh HELL yes! Just so I could line up all those loser Star Wars fans, smash their precious action figures on the sidewalk with a hammer, and watch them cry.

Does whats the worst that can happen? sound like a portent, or a challenge to you?
heh…a challenge that I’m always too stupid to not turn down!

Can you lick your own eyebrows?
Who do I look like? Gene Simmons?!

Have you ever been mistaken for someone famous?
I’m not even mistaken for myself. Who said that?!

Do you know the difference between being ‘anally retentive’ and ‘constipated?’
Seeing your odd sexual habits I decline to answer this question.

Have you ever walked doggy doo into someones home?
Why certainly.

Was it on purpose?
You know it! There’s nothing like the smell of doggy doo in the morning. It smells like…feculence.

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?
Are you 6 years old?

Have you ever fantasised about being eaten by an octopus?
Goddamn and you keep asking if I’M mentally ill with all these sick fantisies you have?!

Are either of your parents in prison for a felony?
Prison, prison, dead, prison.

Do you own a Persian rug?
I’m doing good to just not fall through the floor, buddy.

Who does the Moon belong to?
Hundreds if not thousands of people. It’s for sale!

Did you feel a particular question was directed at you personally?
Only the question about filling out surveys. Bitch.

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