what do you check out first when you check someone out?
Her eyes if I’m paying attention. But I can tell everthing I need to know from the back of someone’s head! HAH!

what is the least favorite part of your body?
The injuries.

dolly or loretta?
It costs alot for Dolly to look that cheap!

things you envy from the opposite sex.
Multiple orgasms.

3 things you really don’t envy from the opposite sex.
The way society always wants them to look “perfect”, having a period, having to put up with lame emo/fratboy/dumbass (etc.) always hitting on them.

which one of the 7 deadly sins do you practice the most?
Google…there’s a deadlysins.com - HOW LAME! All I have going on is the lust/anger coin. Woo hoo! Aside from too often being a lazy bastard which pisses me off…

have you ever had an eating disorder?
I never was a teenage girl.

when was the last time you made out with a stranger?
Only since…never!

are you gonna call him/her?
Hello?

is he/she gonna call you?
Of course.

what kind of drunk are you?
The kind that quit drinking seven years ago.

have you ever had a drug problem?
Yeppers.

if yes , what drug(s)?
I smoked pounds of pot. And cheap hight like sugar, coffee, catnip (HAH!), robitussin… Then came the dreaded alcohol.

how long have you gone without having sex?
Don’t even ask!

without eating?
hmmm….probly close to a day. I forget sometimes!

without sleeping?
I believe it was 38 hours. Most of which was spent working! I worked 100 hours in one week once. And most of that was at the weekend!

when was the last time you did cocaine?
Fuck you never!

when was the last time you smoked weed?
ummmmmm…19?

what does your hair look like now?
About 3/4 an inch long.

3 articles of clothing that will never go out of style.
Blue jeans, combat boots, leather jackets.

would you ever have cosmetic surgery?
Nah I’m not that vain.

when was the last time you stole something?
damn…….four years maybe? And it would be something lame like candy from work…hahaha!!!

do you think girls deserve more respect just cause they are girls?
Nobody deserves respect “just because” they’re anything!

what is your favorite night to go out?
Doesn’t matter to me. Night is night to me!

do you wanna be rich and/or famous?
“Famous” is sort of lame. And for me “rich” would just mean not having to do backbreaking prole labour just to survive. I’m pretty easy to please! The only thing I could never get enough of, that can be bought, is music.

who is your hero/role model?
Hero worship only leads to disappointment. We’re only human!

whats the most grotesque part of the human body?
The mind.

have you ever found it fun to sniff on your dirty underwear?
My OWN?!?! eww….Eww….EWWW!!!

do you pee in the shower?
I was never into sports.

do you pick your nose?
Like…way too much!

why do men get skid marks?
They’ve never heard of toilet paper? “You sank my battleshit!”

if you are a man, have you ever tucked your weenie and looked at it in the mirror?
Do I look like Brad Pitt to you?!

when was your last queef?
Now there’s a band I haven’t listened to in a long time…

have you ever been to an orgy?
hmm…

3 way?
mmm…

how do you know the person who posted this?
Some random dude from the Fox News is killing America group.

what nationality would you preffer the mother/father of your children to be?
I don’t really care since I never want kids. Maybe someone that lives near Chernobyl?

what would you name your kids?
Ima Mystake for the girl and Richard Sweat for the boy. We’ll call him Dick for short!

name 3 things you cant stand from people?
The complete inability to admit when they’re wrong, attitude problems, just all-around petty childish bullshit.

what are you doing tonight?
Listening to Broccoli and avoiding the two last reviews I need to write for Jared’s new zine!

What’s a weird fear you have that no one else probably does?
I kept this question til last and I STILL can’t think of anything! OH!!! I totally have the Cassandra Syndrome! Why must people never believe me…

Is not Jon Stewart great?
Yes indeed! I only started watching The Daily Show last February when I had no internet and way too much time on my hands. I still hadn’t forgiven him for that HORRIBLE mtv talk show back in the early 90’s! But I haven’t had satellite tv for months now. And there’s been so many hilarious disasters for the righties since then….

What song are you listening to?
The acoustic version of Bothered by China Drum.

Best face wash/acne fighting product?
I’m not 14 years old!!! And all those products are bullshit anyway. Try SOAP!

How loud do you sneeze?
Pretty loud. I learned on Conan O’Brien the other day that you can do serious damage if you hold a sneeze in. I guess your eyes can pop out or something!

Do you like your handwriting?
I wrote a letter to Caroline yesterday. It looks like it’s written by a 10 year old!

Ugliest color you’ve ever seen?
Ignorance.

Does having matching socks matter to you?
All my socks are white so it’s hard to mismatch them!

If you were in band, what would you call it?
Easy. Insane John.

Last time you were on a plane?
I read “the planet” at first…what does that say about me?!?

Have a digital camera?
Want one!

How big is your TV?
umm…28″?

Have you ever heard of Mystery Science Theater 3000?
MST3K fucking ROOOOOOOOCKED!!!! They ragged on the worst movies. So so so so so very funny!!!

sXe… good or bad?
I don’t do drugs or drink. But calling myself “straight edge” or the more annoying “sXe” seems more like a “look at me I’m better than you” thing. I really don’t care if people like catching a buzz as long as they’re not retarded about it.

Most annoying commercial ever?
Where’s the beef?! And every fucking single commercial since that. They kill more braincells than crack!!!

Lamest pick-up line ever?
This is a myspace survey. If you have a single female friend on here you know the horrors of this place! How about “wanna trade pictures?” or “hey, let’s fuck”.

Dumbest song ever?
Don’t make me pick. I’ll get it stuck in my head and ruin my China Drum. Just turn on any video music channel.

Worst way to die?
Ever heard of the Darwin Awards?

Who’s the funniest comedian?
Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Louis Black, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Penn & Teller… clever ones!

Do you know HTML?
I practically INVENTED it!!!

What’s the most useless class in school?
English! Like I ever plan on going to England!!!

Best Jones Soda flavor?
What?????

Something you collect?
Music, girlfriends, scars….

Something you’re allergic to?
Ragweed, grass, pollen… springtime kinda sucks!

Something you wish would die?
hmmmm…egotism!

–Redneck–
1] Do you believe the south will rise again?
Starting a survey off with sexual innuendo…priceless!

2] Do you drive a four-wheel drive automobile?
Me? Drive?! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

3] Do you live in a mobile home?
I do actually. But it’s a double wide so I’m double…redneck?

4] Is your car still primer gray?
Such a badly worded question…

5] Do you like country music?
A couple of the early bands were ok. But that new bullshit isn’t even country.

6] Do you have a broken car in your back yard?
No, in the driveway. And SEVEN!!

7] Do you own a cowboy hat?
Fuck no.

8] Do you live on more then 2 acres?
I live on five! Jealoussss!

9] Do you have more then 4 different animals at your home?
umm…two dogs that are supposed to be here. But that doesn’t include rats, rabbits, turtles, frogs, deer, hawks…

–Goth–
1] Do you wear black eyeliner?
Fuck you.

2] Is most of your clothing dark?
Yes…yes it is.

3] Do you think about death often?
No. I’m not a whiney little teenager anymore.

4] Do you want to die?
I’m going to live forever!

5] Are you a social outcast?
A better question would be “do you give a fuck what anyone thinks about you?” the answer being NO!

6] Are you pale?
I’m quite tanned!

7] Do you like Hot Topic?
TOOOOOOOOOOOTALLY!!!!! Where could I ever find a Ramones t-shirt without Hot Topic????

8] Do you enjoy Tim burton movies?
I doubt I could even name two.

9] Are you evil?
Depends on whether I like you or not.

–Skater punk–
1] Can you skateboard?
I tried that once when I was about 8 years old in Savannah, GA. We were at some kids house down the street and he asked if I wanted to try his skateboard. I got on, made it about two feet down his driveway, then fell off and slid the rest of the way! Road rash is the AWESOMEST!!! The best part was the next day (with half the skin missing from my leg) we went to the beach. Salt water feels liky hydrochloric acid in an open wound!!! Meeeeeemoriesssss……

2] Do you wear Vans?
Combat boots.

3] Do you do stupid stuff with your friends?
Yeah I suppose I do.

4] Have you gotten in trouble with the Cops?
Many, many times… Drugs, alchohol, rearranging dirty words into signs, starting fires…

5] Do you watch the X-Games?
Fuck no.

6] Do you have any piercings?
My ear. I quit wearing it when i was like 17.

7] Do you like/wear mohawks?
Yes. But I shaved mine off for good when I was 20. That’s too much work for fashion.

8] Do you wear Band t-shirts?
Pretty much constantly.

9] Have you called someone a poser?
Only the kid from SLC Punk!

–Prep–
1] Do you say the world “like”?
Like, every day!

2] Do you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch?
You could not pay me.

3] Do you pop the collar?
The 70’s are dead. GET OVER IT!!!

4] Do the people in Hot topic scare you?
I didn’t even know what Hot Topic was before Morgan Webb started making fun of it.

5] Is the only nerd u like Seth Cohen?
Who the fuck is Seth Cohen?!

6] Do you watch LAGUNA BEACH?
Blowwwww meeee.

7] Do you like pop music?
I like some pop in my punk.

8] Do you want/have a little dog?
Why would I want a dog that just looks like an overgrown rat?!

9] Do you have friends from different cliques?
I have friends from different countries.

–Hippie–
1] Is your hair long?
Shaved.

2] Do you own a tye-dye shirt?
Not since like…5th grade!!! And that’s just because we MADE them!

3] Do you want peace?
You can’t always get what you want.

4] Do you want to save the animals?
PETA is just a bunch of propaganda. READ A BOOK!!!

5] Do you think war is unneccesary?
Almost always. It’s just a device for big business to get bigger and richer off of the pain and suffering of the weak and defenceless.

6] Is love essential in your life?
Music, friends, pets…absolutely.

7] Have you smoked pot?
By the pound!

8] Do you like classic rock and trippy music?
Classic rock is where punk came from. But “trippy” music is bullshit!

9] Do you wear hemp things?
I ain’t no stinkin’ hippy.

–Gangsta–
1] Do you act ghetto?
Fuck off.

2] Do you wear do-rags?
Fuck off.

3] Do you like hip-hop?
Fuck off.

4] Was Tupac truly the greatest rapper in the world?
Fuck off.

5] Do you believe he’s alive?
Fuck off.

6] Do you like afros?
I have a jewfro.

7] Have you ever said “Fo Shizzle”?
Fuck off.

8] Do you like to dance?
White people are so lame.

9] Do you own any Baby Phat or G-Unit:
Fuck off.

–Emo–
1] Do you cry often?
Almost never. I have testicles.

2] Do you wear hoodies?
Yes. Yes I do. But hoodies aren’t “emo”!

3] Do you like soft music?
That’s such a vague question! I love the ghey acoustic rock.

4] Do people not understand you?
On a daily basis. Yet again, nothing to do with “emo”.

5] Do you write your own songs?
In my head. Are you 14 fucking years old?!

6] Ever dyed your hair red, black or dark?
Only green, purple, and bleached. My hair IS dark!

7] Do you cut your own hair?
Yup.

8] Are you lonely?
How lonely? So lonely?

9] Is Ohio for lovers?
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!

–Surfer–
1] Do you surf?
Nope, never.

2] Do you wear flip flops all year-round?
I wear sandals…

3] Is your hair shaggy?
It’s quite a feat to have shaved yet shaggy hair!

4] Do you wake up before 6 every morning?
HAH!!! More like I stay up til 6 every morning!

7] do you love the beach?
Not really.

8] Do you want to be at the beach right now?
If it’s warm and sunny…sure!

9] Do you hate tourists?
Eh…

–Geek–
1] Do you wear glasses?
Only when I want to see.

2] Do you get good grades?
Why did I read that as “food” the first time?!

3] Do you use an inhaler?
Nah I just cough shit up.

4] Do you stick pens and calculators into your shirt pockets?
I always carry a pen and calculator watch!

5] Does your mom pick out your clothes?
Sorry. I even wash my own clothes.

6] Are you on the computer often?
Only constantly.

7] Do you ever get picked on?
Only as much as I pick on others! It’s the best form of flattery…

8] Are you shy around the opposite sex?
A little…I’m shy around people I don’t know.

9] Do you have braces?
Never. So that makes me an geek-redneck-emo-punk??

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
geez…which one to pick? When I was about 17 I was helping my drunken idiot father build some little speaker boxes for his car. He says “Here hold this while I put in a screw”. Then starts pushing on the drill right BEFORE he pull the trigger full throttle! Does the screw go into the wood, you ask? Of course not!!! It goes right through MY FINGER!!! Dad says “Let me pull it out”. I said “Get the fuck away from me!” and unscrewed it from said finger!

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
HAH!!!! It just happened!!!

3. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
My motivation!!

4. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Oh man…tossup between music and friends.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
oooooh…new music.

6. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Only when I get trapped inside my head.

7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Now I have a strange mix of Broccoli and Four Letter Word in my head…

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Eu D’Femme.

9. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
I couldn’t tell you the last time I had caffeine.

10. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Stawberry ice cream.

11. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
hmmm…I’d guess my parents as if I gave a fuck.

12. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Insanejuanese.

13. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Sincerety and in other ways when words fall inadequate.

14. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED :
A number from one to a hundred.

15. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Apples or oranges?

16. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Modem.

17. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US?
Stop reminding me that I haven’t yet!

18. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
California. So why the hell did my parents move to THE SOUTH?!?!

19. FIRST JOB?
umm…landscaping at the Fariyland Club on Lookout Mountain when I was 14.

20. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Either websites or my insane brand of humour.

21. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Laugh! LAAAAAAUGH!!!

22. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I couldn’t tell you the last time I got a birthday present.

23. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
ZERO!

24. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Apparently after two uncles.

25. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I wish on Morgan Webb.

26. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
The middle one.

27. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
If you loaded a potato gun with ink pens and fired it at a piece of paper…that would be more legible!

28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
mmmmm…..hammmmmm….

29. ANY BAD HABITS?
Myspace surveys!

30. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
That really good one that I haven’t played for far too long.

31. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I’m already more than one person and I crack myself up constantly. Sure!

32. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Internet.

33. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not at all!

34. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
G.I. Joe.

35. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I told you it was made of cardboard! And I left it out in the rain the other day so it pretty much disintegrated.

36. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
NEVER!!!

37. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Hundreds I’m sure. When I started going to metal shows when I was 15 all the jocks were scared to get in the pit but skinny little me wasn’t! heh…I guess that’s where my “crazy” perception started!

38. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Speed lace combat boots.

39. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Beef Stroganoff.

40. SIBLINGS?
One total cunt of a sister.

41. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Never had it. Seafood is pretty much ICK!

42. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Not anymore really.

p.s. For your surveying pleasure I cut out the questions that have been asked 10 BILLION times before.

1. FIRST NAME:
Farcus

2. WHAT IS THE MOST PHYSICAL PAIN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN?
Right now having been asked this question for the 15th time.

3. DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU?
It’s pronounced “underpants navy”!

4. WHAT KIND OF MOUTHWASH DO YOU PREFER?
Listerine…good random question.

5. ARE YOU GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI?
This question is gay. Stop asking shit that’s on people’s profiles!

6. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER?
I think therefore I am!

7. WOULD YOU SEVER YOUR OWN PINKY FINGER WITH A KNIFE FOR 10 MILLION DOLLARS?
Sure!!! It wouldn’t cost 10 million to get it sewed back on! Show me the suitcase of cash then.

8. DO YOU THINK MIDGETS ARE CREEPY?
Midget Porn is.

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN A HIGHER BEING?
Thinking humanity is the most evolved thing in the universe is so very egotistical. But you only asked that question for a bunch of lame stoner jokes.

10. IF YOU ARE A SMOKER, WHAT IS YOUR BRAND?
Disgusting!

11. WHAT IS YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?
Laughter.

12. BIG TRUCKS, LUXURY CARS, MOTOR CYCLES, OR FAST CARS?
Gimmie a Prius. Hah!

13. WHAT KIND OF SUNGLASSES DO YOU WEAR?
Eyelids.

14. HAVE YOU EVER ENGAGED IN ANAL SEX?
Getting an enema is bad enough…fuck you very much!

15. DOES YOUR LOCAL WATER TASTE GOOD?
Water is water is water.

16. WHAT KIND OF PC DO YOU HAVE?
Half gateway, half sony.

18. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK?
Well over seven years ago. I decided I want to live.

19. IF YOU HIT A 50 MILLION LOTTO, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD BUY?
A plane ticket.

20. DO YOU EVER GAMBLE?
Far more often than I think…but not in the way you’re asking!

21. IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Someplace sunny and warm.

22. WHAT IS YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER?
263539

23. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FLAT TIRE?
I haven’t needed viagra yet, no.

24. ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW HAIRY IS YOUR ASS?
umm…that was REALLY random!

25. DO YOU LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH?
You know who I am, right?

16. ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?
I need a bath.

17. WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH?
Rolls. If we don’t get no tolls, we don’t eat no rolls!

18. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD?
Sex.

19. WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE?
My soul.

20. HOW MANY CD’S DO YOU HAVE?
I dunno…like 400.

21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU WET THE BED?
I got so drunk that I gave myself a hernia. Top THAT!

22. IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANY ONE PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Claudia Black. *giggidy giggidy giggidy*

23. HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY?
Another question I’ve been asked 32 times.

24. WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY?
FUCK!!!

25. DO YOU ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE FEEL STUPID?
I’m a teacher and a student. Condescending fuckwads can suck my balls.

26. WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PERSON AT WORK/SCHOOL?
Work?! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHaH!!!!!!!!

27. WHAT BRAND IS YOUR CELL PHONE?
It’s made of cardboard.

28. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING?
I think every teenage boy has.

29. HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT ANYONE MASTURBATING?
heh…disgusting story. Me and a friend get home from school one day. This was my first 11th grade year I think. When we walk into his house the first thing I notice is an open can of crisco on the kitchen counter. When I get a little closer I noticed three finger marks in it. Then I notice crisco on the doornob to his mom’s room that’s right next to the kitchen. Then… Wait for it… Wait for it… His older brother (who had cerebral palsy) come walking out, cock in hand!!! I’m not sure if we were more laughing or repulsed! Damn I haven’t told that story in years and years and years…

30. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU PUKED?
Stop. Asking. The. Same. Questions.

31. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
IT’S ON MY PROFILE!!!

32. WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP?
One time I went bungee jumping and the guy told me to fall off the bridge backwards like when you go scuba diving. Then when I was past the point on no return he came running up with the other end of the rope yelling “WAIT! WAIT! NOT YET!!!”.

33. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED?
I’m not answering the same old questions anymore. You bore me!!!

34. HOW OFTEN DO YOU SHAVE?
Maybe once a month. I’m rocking the hillbilly beard!

35. DO YOU THINK THE MIDGET QUESTION (8.) WAS OVER THE LINE?
Midget Porn is funny.

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BEER?
Orange Juice.

37. GIRLS: DO YOU SWALLOW?

GUYS: DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND SWALLOW?
Smegma.

38. ARE YOU RACIST?
No.

39. DO YOU THINK FARTS ARE FUNNY?
Fart jokes are. Especially since they make Morgan Webb a little uncomfortable!

40. LIBERAL, CONSERVATIVE, OR NEITHER?
Liberal Loonatic.

44. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF YOUR BODY?
My fun parts!

45. ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT THE MIDGET QUESTION?
I think someone has a fetish.

46. IF AN ENTIRE STATE IN AMERICA WERE TO VANISH, WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD NOT LIKELY BE MISSED?
Texax/Washington DC.

47. HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET?
Cats don’t fit down the toilet.

48. WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN?
Women are statistically.

49. ARE YOU SEXIST?
Stupidity has no to do with gender.

50. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE DUMBEST SPORT IS?
Sports.

51. DO YOU FORWARD CHAIN EMAILS THAT CLAIM TO BE GOOD/BAD LUCK?
I’m not 12 years old.

52. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING THIS VERY SECOND?
I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.

53. DO YOU SLOW DOWN AT CAR ACCIDENTS ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE?
I’ve seen some funny accidents just right down the street.

54. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING OTHER THAN CHECKING YOUR MYSPACE?
Taking a bath.

55. HAVE YOU EVER HAD JURY DUTY?
Like they would choose me!

56. DO YOU KNOW YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD?
You insult my intelligence. I challenge you to a duel!

57. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SAYING “OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD” ORIGINATED?
Off the top of my head it did.

58. ERA OYU DYXLESIC?
You spelled lysdexic wrong.

59. DID YOU ENJOY THIS SURVEY MORE THAN THE AVERAGE “TIRED” ONES THAT HAVE BEEN GOING AROUND FOREVER?
This one was pretty fucking tired!!!

60. IF YOU COULD SLEEP WITH ANY MILF….
Then chances are I would.

{1}when was the last time you peed your pants:
Does a catheter count?

{2}most embarrasing celebrity you were ever in love with:
William Shatner.

{3}oddest music group/singer you like:
Wat Tyler is pretty odd.

{4}have you ever eaten glue (if yes, when):
Now I wanna sniff some glue, now I wanna have something to do. All the kids wanna sniff some glue, all the kids want something to do.

{5}Have you ever put Scotch Tape over your lips:
There was duck tape that one time… But we shall never mention that again!

{6}Have you ever shouted a racial slur:
Growing up with white trash family… I was never as bad as my dad.

{7}Ever lied about having a gf/bf:
That’s pretty pathetic dontcha think?

{8}Do you sing in the shower(if yes, what song[s]):
Sometimes…whatever is stuck in my head at the time!

{9}Wierdest physical deformity/problem/illnes you have:
My big toe is too short/honest to a fault/completely insane.

{10}Do you read while you crap:
No, I’m illiterate. Wait…how did I read that, and that, and THAT?!?

{11}Do you freak dance while listening to music alone:
Sorry…I’m not that white.

{12}Have you ever seen the movie Hell House:
I live it.

{13}Worst haircut you’ve ever had:
Mullet. Jr. High. Waaaaay too big of a MacGyver fan!

{14}What religion intrigues you:
Scientology because it makes you fat!

{15}What word do you pronounce oddly:
Hello (fuck off).

Now for some GIRLY stuff

{16}Have you ever worn connect-the-dot undies:
Now that intrigues me!

{17}Edible panties:
*Munch, munch* What?

{18}Do you prefer regular or flavored condoms:
Con-doms?

{19}Do you prefer pads or tampons. Why:
Tampons. Easier to dip in coffee.

{20}Do you wax/shave ‘done there’:
umm…”done there”?

I won’t forget the guys

{21}Do you prefer wearing flavored/regular condoms:
I’m not that flexible.

{22}Have you ever tried edible panties:
*chew, chew, swallow* Come again?

{23}Do you wax/shave ‘down there:
Say it, don’t spray it.

{24}Ever been told its too short/long:
Never!

{25}Ever done a prostitute:
I don’t have to pay for it.

Family Life

{26}Ever walked in on parents doing ‘it’:
What a HORRIBLE question to ask!!!! And worse…I found PICTURES!!! *chokes back the bile*

{27}What about the morning after:
Huh?

{28}Ever walked in on a sibling doing ‘it’:
Thank God No!

{29}Ever cussed out your parent(s):
Lots!!!

{30}Ever been forced to wear clothes of a sibling(of the opposite sex):
You need therapy from the sounds of this survey!

School Sucks

{31}Ever done it at school:
I was too busy doing last night’s homework between classes. Procrastination counts!

{32}ever cussed out a teacher:
Nah.

{33}Ever stolen something from school. What was it:
I didn’t even want to be there. Why would I take something to remind me of being there?!

{34}Ever been called dumb by a teacher:
No. But one time in first period, senior year, my economics teacher was showing us how to do our taxes. The guy in front of me said “I don’t understand can you show me again?”. So our teacher (that looked EXACTLY like Shaggy only fatter!) walked up, leaned over, and said “I’m really high right now. Get John to explain it to you!”.

{35}Ever made up a serious lie to make your teachers look stupid:
The truth is stranger than fiction. Look above!

Nighty-Night

{36}Ever woken up with a stuffed animal/pillow between your legs:
Only heads.

{37}Do you sleep walk:
I sleep think.

{38}Ever said anything embarassing in your sleep:
I wake myself up when I try to talk.

{39}Ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth:
Nope.

{40}Ever had a wet dream (yes. girls can too):
I dream in slow motion and I wake up….SCREAMING!!!

1. Sometimes when you’re laying down, do you feel like you’re floating?
Maybe when I’m REALLY tired…

2. Do you feel there is an overuse of antibiotics?
I’d say that’s a safe bet, yes. And then the dumbasses that constantly take antibiotics don’t finish them all thus creating new super-bugs!

3. Do you prefer alfredo or marinara sauce on your pasta?
Marinara.

4. Does your mental state really affect your health/lifespan?
heh…umm… What does it mean when you’re completely batshit insane then?

5. If you found out a family member was gay, would that change your views on homosexual relationships?
Since I’m not homophobic, no. I really don’t care what people do as long as it’s not right in front of me.

6. Do you go to the library often?
Only never. I have teh internet!!

7. When you want to stop chatting with someone on instant messenger, do you make up an excuse as to why you have to sign off?
Dumbasses don’t last long on my friend lists. If I want to go I just say so!

8. Have you ever visited your doctor after seeing a commercial on television about a new drug?
Do you ever pay attention to the SIDE EFFECTS of said “wonder drugs”?!? The cure is worse than the disease!!! FUCK NO!!!! Most people that are on any of that shit just need to get the fuck over themselves anyway. Everyone gets depressed sometimes! WAH!!! Living in an eternally medicated state is worse than hell to me. I’d much rather be able to feel my lows and highs. And not contantly eat junk food that gives me the shits or heartburn or any of that other bullshit.

9. Do you think the Bible is a sexist text?
Watch Penn & Teller: Bullshit! I’m not really anti-religion… But that certainly falls under the category of anti-stupidity! The bible is just one giant contradiction that people cherry pick from anyway. Did I mention that I’m an Ordained Minister? HAH!

10. If you had a perfect relationship and your signifcant other did not want to get married, would you happily live with them for the rest of your life unmarried?
Why the hell not?! I don’t think I ever want to get married anyway. You just get fucked on your taxes and lose everything in a divorce if you’re a guy.

11. Do you think that taxes should be cut completely?
That might sound good in theory but then the mega-rich would truly own the world!

12. Do you prefer to exercise indoors or outdoors?
Since all of my excercise involves yard work….

13. Should teenagers be tried as minors or adults?
Totally depends on the person and circumstances. I know people myage that still act like they’re 12. I know teenagers that are really smart and mature…

14. Would you rather be ignored or insulted?
It’s hard to insult me. I don’t take myself too seriously. I make fun of myself alot! Too many people need to learn that for themselves aready!!! Getting ignored pisses me off.

15. Do you think the new rock music that is being made today is targeted at teenagers, and if so, do you think that adults who listen to it are immature?
umm…basically ALL mainstream music is shit and insulting to the intelligence anymore!!! Anyone over 25 that listens to that bullshit excuse for “creativity” needs to get their head examined… Or maybe an enema?

16. Do you think dark chocolate is bitter, or just very sweet?
Bitter?

17. Do you think there is a family in this country that is NOT dysfunctional?
The “nuclear family” never, ever existed. Again watch Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

18. Do you think you would have a better chance at winning Jeopardy or Survivor?
I would rather be shot in the head with a bb gun repeatedly until my skull cracked before going on ANY “reality” show! Me tooo remtarded fro Jeopardy…

19. Is love an act of peace or courage?
Love as an act? As a feeling? Vague question! Loving someone is pretty courageous though.

20. Do you own a set of chopsticks?
Nope. Never really had authentic chinese either.

21. If you were given a test verbally, but were told to write down the answers, would you fail?
What was the question?

22. If you were in a heated argument with someone, and later found out that you were wrong, would you apologize?
I’d be the first one to tell you that I’m wrong! I’m not that egotistical.

23. Do you have any interest in reading Paris Hilton’s new book?
It might be good to have a copy in the bathroom to wipe my ass with when I run out of toilet paper.

24. Which is more of a chore: Taking care of your body or taking care of your car?
I don’t have a car.

25. When you think about illegal immigrants in the United States, do you only think about Mexicans?
You mean central and south americans! They’re not ALL from Mexico!

26. Do you think Johnny Depp is a talented actor?
I suppose. But that dude is a fucking freak!

27. Do you have a china cabinet in your house?
House?

28. Do you have sensitive teeth?
Totally.

29. Do you wear nothing but Tshirts and Jeans?
Pretty much.

30. Have you ever seen snow in real life?
Yes. You must be from California.

31. Females: If you got divorced, would you change your last name back to your maiden name?
Why don’t men change their names?

32. If you could, would you go to the moon?
I don’t expect too much from honeymoons…

33. Have you ever been entangled in seaweed while swimming in the ocean?
Me no swim.

34. What makes a person worse: being a cheater or being a liar?
Cheating is a form of lying, no?

35. Do you go out with your parents on a regular basis?
Fuck no!

36. Do you feel like you’re a failure?
I’m overflowing with potential.

37. Would you want to silence all the critical people in the world?
Constructive criticism is good! Ignorant motherfuckers, sure!

38. Did you know the alphabet before you went to school?
I doubt that. My parents sucked.

39. Would you rather use napkins or paper towel?
Napkins…what an odd question!

40. Do you tell people to shut up if they interrupt you?
Depends on how good my story is.

41. Do you bite your fingernails?
That’s fucking disgusting!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
More than once I’m sure!

2. Do you close your eyes on rollercoasters?
I’m not a wussy.

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sleigh riding?
42 years.

4.Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Depends on the someone else.

5. Do you believe in Ghosts?
Absolutely. I used to live in a haunted house!

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Somewhat.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Without a doubt.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Vomit!!! You made me picture Angelina Jolie!!!

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
Yes I can.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
hmm….I think so?

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
Yep. Bug go squish now!!!

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
hahaha….waaaaay too many on senior year! And my entire chemistry class got busted one time!!!

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around..do you go through red lights?
Yeah why not?

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Lots!

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
FUCK. BASEBALL.

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
Sounds like guaranteed broken bones to me…

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
eh…about a third of the time.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
hmm…a couple of weeks I’d guess. Not often enough!!!

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Probably but I can’t be assed to.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Possibly.

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
man…that’s an obscure 50’s reference isn’t it?!

24. Do you always wear your seatbelt?
Yes.

25. What talent do you wish you had?
Photographic memory.

26. Do you like Sushi?
Never had it.

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Several!!

28. What do you wear to bed?
I’ve answered this before…

29. Have you ever been caught stealing?
Thanks! Now I have Jane’s Addiction stuck in my head! Fucker!

30. Does size matter?
All the women hate me at the porno booth.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
Oh yeah.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Rap is killing rock and roll.

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
It starts with Morgan Webb.

34. Do you have a relative in prison?
Not that I know of but probably.

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
That’s teh lame.

36. Do you know how to play chess?
Once upon a time I did.

37. What food do you find disgusting?
Seafood.

38. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours?”
Was I missing out?

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Yeah, and to their faces!

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Sure.

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Several times.

42. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
About 8 years.

43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
I could just about count all the movies I’ve seen in the theater on two hands. Does walking out for more beer count?

44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it can get?
Sometimes, at home.

45. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
Nah. Obsession is lame.

46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
Can’t say that I have.

47. Have you ever been stood up?
Nope. I’m too awesome for that.

48. When’s the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
About a month ago. It felt SO FUCKING GOOD!!!

49. Did you ever do something that you didn’t want to, just to fit in?
Probably. I was pretty lame as a teenager.

50. Do you consider yourself “the biggest fan” of something?
Are you talking to me?

1) Use band/Artist names spell your name:

J- Jawbreaker
O- One Leaf
H- Hooton 3 Car
N- No Choice

2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
This is my doghouse!

3) What song makes you cry?
Totally depends on the circumstances man.

4) What song(s) makes you happy?
Could be the same ones as question three. I’m schizophrenic!

5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
My thoughts.

a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 6′ 2″
HAIR COLOR: Brown
SKIN COLOR: Tanned
EYE COLOR: Brown
PIERCINGS: lame
TATTOOS: lame

r i g h t . n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? I’m wearing shorts!
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Descendents - She Loves Me
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH? Orange Juice.
WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE? I feel like I’m in Scotland…shit!!!
HOW ARE YOU? It’s almost 6:30am and I’m filling out lameass myspace surveys. How the fuck do you think I am?!

d o. y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS? Not really.
HAVE A BAD HABIT? Doesn’t everyone?!
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? Die.
LIKE TO DRIVE? My mind wanders way too much…

f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: X-Play…will you ever come back to me Morgan??
CONDITIONER: Air.
BOOK: 1984
MAGAZINE: pth..
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Orange Juice.
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: I got…the razor’s edge.
FAVORITE BEER: Go away!
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Talk to people I’ve missed all week long.
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: right now…ALL/descendents.

h a v e . y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: Every day til she turns 18.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: When I was three!
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Why, certainly!
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Nope.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: I doubt that.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: These are some random-ass questions.
USED YOUR PARENTS’ CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Never had one.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: For like SIX MONTHS!!!
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: Yes.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yeah.

l o v e
BOYFRIEND: No thanks.
GIRLFRIEND: …
SEXUALITY: Straight.
CHILDREN: I. Just. Answered. This.
CURRENT CRUSH: Isn’t a crush.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Oh yeah.
BEEN HURT? Oooh I’m hurt, oooh I’m hurt…
BIGGEST REGRET? Never learning how to fly.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: I don’t think I’ve gone out with someone I’ve only known for three weeks!

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Fuck off.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: The Last - Look Again, Turtlehead - Bleeding Hearts And Burnouts, Shatterhand - Planting Seeds
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? Music and friends.
WHAT’S THE NEXT CD YOU’RE GONNA GET? umm…the new Last cd?
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS? Ones I consider good friends!

w h e n / w h a t . w a s . t h e . l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED? Go. To. Hell.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: Like 5 seconds ago.
THING YOU PURCHASED: …and I’d like a new life too.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Veronica Mars…I’m so lame! HAHAHA!!!! First time. I SWEAR!!!
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Star Trek: Nemesis